The Perfect President!!! and Other Popular Children’s Fables
(Graphic: Brian Covert / Photo: Bildungblog)
We here at Trump Press International (TPI) are proud to present the following excerpts from the upcoming children’s book The Perfect President!!! written by the former chief executive officer of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump. Written especially for young Christian Republican Party readers and for young viewers of America’s national public broadcasting network, Trump-Fox News Inc., The Perfect President!!! is the latest book in a series by President Trump following his retirement from office after four extended terms in the White House. In his new line of gold-embossed and personally autographed children’s books (discounted retail price: $499.99), President Trump writes in that very special, personalized Twitter style that made him so hugely popular during his presidential years. We now present you with this teaser from the soon-to-be-published bestselling children’s book, The Perfect President!!!
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By DONALD J. TRUMP
Popular Former President and Current Bestselling Author
Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, a babe was born in a manger to Joseph and Mary, two proud and happy parents. The manger, located in the top-floor executive suite of the highest skyscraper in America, Trump Castle & Palace, was soon filled with the Wise Men of Wall Street below who had come to the top of the building by express elevator, eager to look at this new bright and shining baby. “A Child is born!!!” they said excitedly. He was found to be a one-in-a-million-boy, an Orange Albino with wavy orange hair and an artificial orange-and-white skin tone. This was a sign from God, the Wise Men said, that the boy was destined to grow up someday and rule the land forever. Or at least until he was kicked out, whichever came first. And so, they christened him The Chosen One. And so he was, from then on.
He was a carefree, jovial boy who loved to run around the executive suite floor all day long and play typical childish games, like building pyramids with laminated American dollar bills and then knocking them down. He even had his own circle of servants, the male eunuchs, who were never allowed to tell the boy what to do. It was just their job to help raise the child and cater to his every whim around the clock, and if they happened to talk back to the boy, they were castrated. Or fired, whichever came first.
Oh, he was a happy young child and made his family so PROUD! He was only nine years old when he made his first fortune: an investment in a cheap tenement apartment building located far, far below in the village of Trumpland. The commoners of the building were all living in very poor conditions, mostly because they were immigrants and wanted to be poor. But he squeezed every cent out of them that he could, and soon a Profit was showing on the stock market! His father Joseph proudly patted him on the shoulder and his mother Mary affectionately kissed the tip of his young orange nose, and they told him: “You are truly the Beloved Son, the Chosen One, and we will cherish you forever.”
But all was not well in Trumpland. Unbeknownst to the boy, there was a group of Crazy Liberal people in a corner of one of the villages down below who were secretly plotting against the lad. TERRIBLE!!! Those crazy people, “the Meanies”, as they were called, were waiting for the day when the boy would run for president of the United States of America so that they could try to bring him down and destroy the whole country. Yes, boys and girls, they were very Mean!!
After many years of growing up and finally becoming an emotionally mature and stable genius, the day came when the young man was elected president of the USA. It was the largest landslide victory in the history of the whole wide World!!! The Wise Men of Wall Street had never seen anything like it. The people of Trumpland all bowed before the young man when he passed by Central Park in his horse-drawn carriage, proclaiming, “Sire, you are our FEARLESS leader, now and forever. Please guide us and remake our Country in your own image.” And so, he did.
He became known from that day forward as The Perfect President, and no one was allowed to look at him directly in the eyes or talk back to him in any way; if they did, they were banished to Hell’s Kitchen, a very nasty part of the walled city below! He was the greatest, the most popular, the Yugest Leader in the land and in the world. He controlled the government, the banks, the military and all the fake news media. The Trump-New York Times carried his picture and an opinion column written by the Trump Palace staff on the front page every morning, without fail. Oh, what a Glorious leader he was for the People! He was perfect in every way; not one flaw did he ever have. He Truly made America Great Again!!!! And all the People loved him for it.
Then, one day, he happened to make a routine telephone call to another land far across the sea called the Republic of U-Kraine. Have you ever heard of U-Kraine, boys and girls? It was a subsidiary country owned by U-Haul Trailers Co., one of the many corporations owned by The Perfect President himself. He made a purely innocent phone call that day to the subsidiary leader of U-Kraine that was perfect in every way. PERFECT!!!! Nothing wrong. Not too long of a call, not too short — just right. Totally Perfect!!!
But that was the chance the Meanies were waiting for. They had whistleblowers and spies secretly listening in on that call. They pounced on that perfect phone call and said The Perfect President had broken the law. Liars!! Soon, the Meanies started organizing and recruiting young American children with innocent minds who were too naïve to understand the Evil Things the Meanies were up to. Corrupt Meanies!!!!
They somehow snuck into the hallowed halls of the Trump-Congress building, located on Trump-Capitol Hill in Washington DC, and brainwashed the members of Congress, slipping some kind of perverted drugs into their cups of latté to make them think bad thoughts!!! Then one day, BOOM: The Congress announced a nasty word — Impeach. Have you ever heard of “Impeach”, boys and girls? It’s like Impear, a similar kind of fruit, only nastier-tasting.
The Meanies said they were going to Impeach the President. Can you Imagine that!!! He was elected president for life, but they still wanted to kick him out of the Trump White House, Inc., of which he was CEO. It was his own private kingdom, but they wanted to kick him out of it anyway. Very Bad!!!
And so, the Meanies recruited terrible people in the government with scary names like Crazy Nancy and Shifty Schiff and Sleepy Joe!! And they all pointed their crooked little fingers at the President and said they were going to make The Perfect President face the charges of Impeachment in front of all the people of Trumpland! How arrogant they were! They hurt the President’s feelings very much and they hurt the President’s family too! HUMAN SCUM!!!
Then, the dreaded day of Impeachment came, and the whole nation watched it live on the Trump-Fox News Channel. But surprise, surprise: The Perfect President was found totally innocent!!! No Quid Pro Quo (a very bad foreign word)! No wrongdoing! No mistakes! No nothing! And all the people of Trumpland rejoiced at this historical day, the biggest day in the history of Planet Earth, waving their fingers at The Perfect President as he passed by in his string of SUV limousines through the nation’s capital: “All honor and praise to Trump, the Lord of all the Worlds! He is the GREATEST of All Time!” And it was all thanks to the loyal Republican members of Congress, many of whom had served as the male eunuch servants to the president way back when he was just a wee young boy living in Trump Castle! Such loyal Republicans!!
Immediately after being found INNOCENT of impeachment, The Perfect President gathered up all the troublemakers in Congress and in the local villages, and had them all executed by firing squads. Ouch!!! But don’t worry, boys and girls — there were no bullets or blood, only colored water from the squirt-guns that the children of Trumpland used to douse the Meanies with! It was a fun day, getting back at all those Meanies and getting them all dripping wet and colorful, like an LGBT rainbow, hahaha!!
And so, the children of Trumpland lived happily ever after, and prosperity and profiteering were restored throughout the land, throughout the nation, throughout the globe, and throughout the universe. Almighty God Himself had spoken those many years ago when he made a young Orange Albino be born with the natural gifts of selflessness and caring. Mind-blowing!!! And America The Beautiful would reign supreme, in the image of The Perfect President himself, for all eternity. Or until the next fiscal year, whichever comes first.
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IF YOU LIKED THOSE EXCERPTS FROM THE UPCOMING BOOK BY FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP, YOU’RE SURE TO LOVE THESE OTHER REPUBLICAN RIGHT-WING CHRISTIAN CHILDREN’S TITLES FROM TRUMP PRESS INTERNATIONAL (TPI):
• I Don’t Even Know What a Crook Looks Like! — This biting satire of Christmas by ex-U.S. president Richard Milhouse Nixon, the Scrooge of San Clemente himself (and former President Donald J. Trump’s own political hero), is sure to keep kids of all ages laughing and in stitches during the holidays. Watergate? Bah, humbug!
• Bonzo and Me at the Zoo — Who else but the beloved late U.S. president Ronald Reagan could write such an enduring, enthralling children’s classic? You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll love the crazy antics of Bonzo the Chimpanzee and his co-star Ronnie Reagan, the best actor ever to grace the commie-infested liberal zoo known as Hollywood. Monkey business galore!
• Hansel and Gretel (and Frieda and Clara and Sofia and…) — Dr. Henry Kissinger, once the U.S. Secretary of State under President Nixon, takes this classic Brothers Grimm fairy tale from Germany and infuses it with real flesh and blood (so to speak). Based on Dr. Kissinger’s own real-life experiences as the former Playboy of the West Wing of the White House! For mature young readers only.
• They Call Me Picasso — He brought you the ever-popular War on Terrorism and torture of prisoners at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. Now, George W. Bush, the national Spelling Bee champion and former U.S. president, is back at it again with this brand-new picture book of his very own paintings! His inner artist is well at work in this illustrated children’s paperback edition, captivating readers with his newfound expertise in watercolor brush painting and all things sophisticated and beautiful. Voila!
• Have I Got a Car for You: The Slick Willie Story — And from Anonymous, our in-house confidential author for young readers, we bring you this latest unauthorized biography of former U.S. president Bill Clinton, one of the most unpopular left-wing presidents ever. All the dirt is here: his secret trysts with Hillary (before their marriage, not after), his phallic-symbol saxophone-playing adventures, and of course, his pre-presidential days as Slick Willie, the most failing car salesman in all of Arkansas. Don’t miss it!
• And What Does Your Daddy Do? — Our list wouldn’t be complete without this classic children’s book by the current American president, the Duchess of Manhattan herself, Ivanka Trump. She shares personal anecdotes of growing up filthy rich in the House of Trump and all the hardships she had to overcome along the way. Advice to loser liberal kids on growing up and getting a real life? She dishes out plenty of that in here too! From private-school prom queen, to first daughter in the White House to leader of the free world: a classic Ivanka fairy tale loved by kids everywhere. God Bless Trump’s America!